Wisecracks



* Your entire life is going to fit in the hyphen between your years of birth and death.


* Everyone may own a tiny piece of eternity.


* He who does not flutter his arms will never have wings.


* The secret of long life is regularity. Take some time every day to live. And do not stop!


* Another secret of long life is boredom.


* Only useless things are worth dealing with. The useful things distract you too much and will distort you in the end.


* Life is like a cannon shot. It takes a few seconds to get to the top, we have a moment to enjoy the view, and from then on we are just falling.


* The elderly are more aware of the passing of time. They not only know that they may die any minute but also that you may die any minute.


* When you are young try to see and hear everything. But as you age, gradually lose your hearing and eyesight -- or the ugly present will cover the beautiful past.


* People first try every imaginable stupid thing and only then, when forced by the circumstances, do they become somewhat normal.


* The stupidity of other people is so obvious that we cannot see our own.


* Life is a short road from the silliness of childhood to the stupidity of old age.


* "I think therefore I am," said Descartes in the 17th century. "I think therefore I am here," said a Soviet scientist in the Gulag in the 1950s. "I think therefore I am a weirdo," I say at the beginning of the 21st century.


* As you get older you spend on doctors more and more. There must be a point when life simply becomes a financial suicide.


* My doctor is very rich. There is a lot of money on his bank account. There is a lot of my money on his bank account!


* To steal is a sin. But you feel it more of a sin when someone steals from you than when you steal.


* In order to be good, we have to defeat ourselves. Although I do not always win, most of the time I bring it up to a tie.


* It is hard to get rid of a guest who happens to have a diarrhea.


* I do not stink. I just smell real.


* When I became homeless the home itself was not lost. We just do not reside in the same place anymore. What I have lost is this "my."


* When you have lost your home, a friend still could help you. But one often loses the two at the same time.


* We are never disappointed in friends. Those we are disappointed in are the former friends.


* For him who wants to sleep on it, yesterday's newspaper is just as good.


* It is not a happy thing to be happy among unhappy people.


* I have a good sense of pedagogy. I did not raise any child -- and that's the best I could do for their development.


* When it's me who is to die, I would not call it a natural death.



* The fish on the beach is still better off than the one in the water of the fisherman's bucket.


* Never be too good to the people who think you are bad. Changing their image of you would give them more pain than the pleasure you could give them by your goodness.


*



(...)



This place is reserved for the secret of success. Whenever I find it, I will put it here. Wait a minute. I've GOT the sercet of success: to be able to write about something you don't even know.



* Is the politician who denies the charges of corruption a liar? Not necessarily. On this level they steal without even noticing it.


* In September of 2001 Americans got a taste of how it feels not to be American.


* Classical warfare is the continuation of politics using other means.
Modern warfare is the continuation of weapon tests on real people.


* Cruise missiles hit their targets with surgical accuracy, but they still have many civilian casualties. No wonder. This is the accuracy surgeons have. And who said there are no civilian casualties of hospital operations?


* If I won in the lottery game I would continue to work. But I would buy the company and I would fire my boss whenever I please!


* According to liberal economists, there is an invisible hand which makes the economy run. Fine. But what has this invisible hand to do in my pocket?


* My wife is the first reader of my poems. And following her advice, I do not even show them to anyone else.


* Up in Heaven they sit down and watch us all day. This is their reality TV.


* Hell is when your wicked ideas are applied on you.


* God and I are not in good terms. I do not help Him, He does not help me.


* Adam's apple is a warning: no matter who bit into the apple of knowledge first, it was the man who could not swallow it.


* Never forget that the best looking girl is still able to vomit on your bed.


* Adultery is a sin, even in thinking. But if so, why should we stop there?


* I'm monogamous in sex. One woman at a time.


* I've just found my wedding picture taken 25 years ago. Then I had plenty of hair, my beard was black and my skin smooth. Now I'm bald, my beard is gray and my skin is wrinkled. This is what marriage does to you!


* After fifteen years of marriage, my best memory is still the wedding cake.


* Marriage is a never ending conversation. But they who speak less may have more children.


* What did I have for dinner? E-450, E-451, E-452 and E-160. It's funny but it tasted like pizza.


* Thanks to the cellular phone, now at any hour of the day you can be reached by bad news.


* When the voice of your conscience starts speaking, do not turn up the television.


* You are unhappy because you haven't yet found the meaning of life? I tell you: there is none. Happy now?


* If you knew where and when you are to die, you would not go there. Death would still get you, but he would have to work harder.


* What if I had not been born? Then at this minute someone else would be pondering this question. But rather let me do the pondering.


(Finally, with a blush:)


* The test of the pudding is in the eating. And so is the test of the pussy.

:))



See also my poems and lyrics.

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